Tears
by hippolover1326
Summary: Everyone in the squad thinks they need to be the strong one. What happens when they're all in a room together and the emotion is just too much to hold in?


**Story: Tears  
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU  
Author: hippolover1326  
Chapter: 1 (Walls)**

**All characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

OLIVIA POV

Sometimes, I wonder why I've worked SVU for so long. Then I remember I don't want anyone to have to suffer through what I did with my mother. She never got therapy, never worked it out. And I took the fall big time. Then of course, there was my assault.

The squad knows about it, of course, but not all of it. To my credit, I've appeared a lot stronger than I really am. In 14 years, I can probably count the number of times they've seen me cry on one hand.

I cry behind closed doors only. When I wish I had someone to just talk to, when the horrors of the job become too much, when I fear I'm turning into my mother or father. The first one is why I'm in an empty interrogation room right now, writing this at 12:37 am. I want to sleep, but I'm too plagued by nightmares. Sure, there're lots of good times, but damn are they hard to think of at a time like this…

AMANDA POV

I was going to leave work at a decent hour, I swear, but at 12:37 I just couldn't handle going back to an empty apartment again. I walked down the interrogation room hallway aimlessly. I wanted to cry desperately. I'd sworn it off about a month ago, but I just couldn't keep it locked up anymore.

Everyone in the SVU squad was older than me, and stronger. I mean, I didn't just see Fin or Olivia crying in the middle of work. So I didn't either. I wondered if the job ever got easier. They seemed to handle it a lot better than I did. Whenever I felt myself tearing up, I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and get it together…

FIN POV

Sometimes I find it a miracle that people think of me as their rock. I know Olivia and Amanda both have, and Nick has turned to me like a big brother. Munch, well, I don't think either of us would know what to do without the other, to be honest.

I've made so many mistakes with my wife, and especially with my son, Ken. I don't like to talk about it or admit any weakness. In a squad like SVU, I can't afford weakness. It's hard though, sometimes, to be the supporter of everyone, but I'm not complaining. It's my job, pretty much…

CRAGEN POV

I had noticed a lot going on with my squad. I decided to call a meeting, see if I could get them to express some real emotion for once. It would be hard. Everyone, including me, was just so damn stubborn. At 12:37, everyone was still at the precinct but spread out. I called everyone into one of the rooms for victims and their families. Amanda and Olivia both already looked teary. I knew they were trying to hide it, but I've known them long enough where I can always tell. Fin looked thoughtful, Munch looked tired, and Nick's face appeared totally blank. These people needed to talk for sure.

"Okay," I said, "I called you all in here because I can see you guys have all been suppressing a lot of emotions lately. I want you guys to get it all out. It's okay to cry because everything that happens in here stays in here." Everyone had the expression of, "I'm not going to cry," but I felt they all needed to in some respect.

"I'm just going to start by asking some questions. All you have to say right now is 'yes' or 'no', and I'm not holding any of this against you," I said.

"Okay," Amanda smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Have you ever felt like you have to hide your emotions at work?"

Yes from everyone.

"Do you ever feel like you always have to be the strong one?"

Yes again.

"Okay, and what's the main thing going wrong in your life right now?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"The crap with my sister," a single tear rolled down Amanda's cheek. Fin reached for her hand, but she pulled away.

"My son hates me," Fin said gruffly.

"Four divorces and I'm never going to find love," Munch said sarcastically, but everyone read into that, 'I don't want my life to run out.'

I nodded. "Okay, Nick?"

"The Maria-Cynthia deal…"

Olivia sat silently, looking into the notebook on her lap. A single tear slid down her face followed by another.

"Liv…" Amanda whispered.

She stood up, slammed her fist into the door, and fell to the floor sobbing. No one went over to her because, well, it was Olivia.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Liv sobbed.

"Liv, honey, it's okay if you cry," Amanda said in her southern drawl.

Liv's cries became louder. "I can't. I can't do it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Fin pulled Olivia into his lap. Tears continued to stream down her face. He ran his fingers through her hair and whispered, "Oh, Liv…"

Fin wrapped his arms around her in a big bear hug. She shuddered.

"Olivia, you have to tell us what's going on," I said gently. I'd told Huang that 20 minutes in, he should pay us a visit. As I'd predicted, it was good timing.

"I'm so sorry. I've been having nightmares and panic attacks and surviving on two hours of sleep per night…and I don't know why and it's just everyone and I am so tired of being strong…"

As Olivia calmed down, Amanda's tears appeared to fall faster.

"What's going on?" Fin asked.

"The person that I love the most betrayed me in the worst way possible and I still love her more than anything…" Amanda's crying is more graceful and silent, but just as much pain is construed there as with Olivia.

"Guys, we have to be so much more honest with each other," Munch said.

"What about you," I asked him, "There's got to be something you want to tell us."

"You want me to cry about the sob story? About how the last time I saw my dad; I told him I hated his guts? And how he committed suicide? Okay then, there you have it. But telling you doesn't make any difference." He sat silently.

"John…" Huang said softly. "You've never really had emotions. You always hide them behind your sarcasm and thick glasses, and I want you to work out for yourself how to change that."

Everyone stared ahead silently. By now Nick was blinking quickly too. "Why, why is everyone who does this job so broken?" he asked, voice cracking.

"I don't know, little brother, I don't know." Fin shook his head sadly.

HUANG POV

The squad had admitted a lot, and let a lot show. But neither Cragen nor I had any idea what to do about it.


End file.
